Apologies for the emo-ness
Found something out today that made me feel real depressed. Sent me on what the psychobabblers would probably call a “depression-cycle” at uni. Couldn’t concentrate on my work and really couldn’t my mind on tonights game either. Started having all these thoughts. What if I don’t pass this uni year? This is pretty much my last chance at making something of myself and doing something other than low-paid admin jobs for the rest of my life. If I fail, I’ve not only let myself down, but my family too. I really don’t know what I’d do if I failed, it’d probably be something really stupid.
On the way home I started to think whether I would, you know, “take the cowards way out” and if I did, how I’d go about doing it. That just made me feel even worse.
The worse thing is, I’m not sure if there’s anyone I can talk to about it. I really suck at talking about serious stuff to people, especially people I know. I’d just feel really embarrassed and self-concious about talking about it, and that would be to strangers. I’d find it impossible to talk about stuff like this to people who know me. And I just realised that I don’t know any of my friends well enough to talk about this to them. Or even if I;d want to (but that down to fear I guess). That’s just made me feel even worse.
So here I am, spilling my guts to the anonymous electronic ether. What a wuss.